Several people have asked me recently what happened to my love life. I've been very depressed and miserable lately, my "status" section on MySpace has changed from one morbid mood to another, from miserable to depressed to uncomfortable to terrible to miserable again, etc etc...you get the idea.
I honestly do not understand why or how people could care about MY life so much, but I guess I appreciate it. I will explain all here, step by step, and will hopefully answer all your questions. Because, believe me, I've gotten alot. I guess with 490 people on my MySpace friends list, that will = a lot of questions.

A few months ago, in late-April, almost May, I met Karya at a work-related social gathering. We work in the same building, however we do not work together. We're not on the same floor, not in the same job, not in the same department, and we don't even have the same customers. All of that is the reason why we never actually met at work. In fact I had only seen her maybe 2 or 3 times walking in the building very recently before we met. Anyway, a mutual friend from work was moving, so a bunch of people brought him out on his last day of work for dinner/drinks. I had a good amount of booze, and some real good food.

I saw this girl walk in and, from the very few times I had seen her prior to this night, I always knew she was Gorgeous (yes, the "G" is capitalized for a reason). So anyway, she and her friend walked in, I said hello, and thought nothing of it really. So all of us there were laughing, eating, drinking, joking around, etc.... Later on that evening, I was outside having a smoke with another work friend, when she came out for a smoke too. She sat down, and the guy I was standing with said "You know, Joe's a pro wrestler." Her response is what absolutely made me immediately fall in love with her. She looked at me and said "You mean like, in your bedroom..?" LOL I laughed my ass off. But really, it was so sweet, innocent, and really funny. She had that classic smile of Perfection, and those bAngel eyes, that I've now stared into several times, when we were happy. I drank a little more than I should've, and as anyone who knows me drunk can tell you, I talk even more when I'm smashed. I told her probably a hundred times how Gorgeous I find her to be. She has since told me she thought I was full of shit and just bombed, but she learned that I was serious. So I drank, we talked a little more, and all of us left. As I was leaving, she asked me to follow her on the highway so she could make sure I was okay to drive. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and in my mind, I had to be hers. Her friend that was driving ended up leaving before I even got to my car, so ...so much for following.

Anyway..so that weekend, I found her on MySpace and emailed her, simply apologizing for being drunk that night and for babbling all night and maybe saying some stupid shit I may not have remembered. She was cool. She said something like "No, you weren't rude or anything", and I think she may have said she thought it was funny. I smiled. She always makes me smile, even to this day.

The greatest day ever was the very first time I kissed her. I was standing in the hall at work, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. We weren't together yet, I was just walking with her to her car. We got to her car, and smiled and said "Ok, see you tomorrow!". I looked her right in her beautiful eyes and said "I really wanna kiss you right now". Her response was "then you should". It was the most beautiful moment I've ever been involved in. Things were amazingly great for about a month and a half or so.

Anyway, long story short, we moved way too fast. We got our own apartment after only being together for a month. We were still happy when whe moved in, but I think it was just too much too soon for her and things started getting rough. We started getting on each other's nerves. We still said our "I Love You"'s to each other, but after a while. that stopped from her. She still called me "babe" though, which I love, up until maybe a week before she officially ended everything we had.

I think her problem is/was, she was single for a few years when we first got together. So right there, she obviously wasn't used to having someone in her life that she loved, or had to consider at times. Also, she's never lived without her parents, out on her own in her own place. I have. I did it for 1 year before I met Karya. So for me to move in with her was not at all a problem for me, I was used to not living with my parents, and living with someone.

She wasn't. It was ALL new to her, and like I said, we'd only been together for one month before we got our apartment. I honestly believe if we did not move in with each other that fast, that we would still be together and happy today. We were so insanely happy in the beginning. After maybe 2 or 3 weeks of living together, we were on each others' nerves, annoyed at each other, she stopped hanging out with me even though I would invite her 100% of the time if I was going somewhere. She'd invite me zero times. I wanted my friends to meet her, I wanted my family to meet her. This is the girl I wanted to be with for a long time. And at one point, she wanted that with me too. I once made a promise to her and her mother that I would NEVER break her heart, and I really never thought she would turn around and do it to me. Things got pretty bad, obviously, towards the end of our relationship, hence me calling it "the end".

I think we both did, and said, some shitty things to each other. And to be perfectly honest, I regret every single bad or rude or negative thing I've ever said to her.

In my life, I've been through a lot of shit, a lot of dirt, and a lot of pain. Karya was my diamond. She was my diamond in the dirt, and somehow, I managed to fuck that all up. At this point in time, we are no longer on speaking terms, nor have we seen each other in quite a while. I suspect her and I will never speak again, which really hurts, considering how important she is to me. She did and said a lot of things to me when I was her boyfriend, that I would never say or do to a girlfriend. But deep inside, I know she's an angel, and I know she's a sweetheart. I just wished she would've shown that on the outside.

She did say after our breakup that there will be times when she wants to hang out with me, and she'll probably come over to see me. She also said we should try to build a friendship. We rushed into things and weren't friends before we were "officially" together. I don't mean that to sound like we were enemies either. We weren't. We were nothing, we didn't know each other. We met, didn't take the time to get to know each other, didn't take the time to build a friendship, and we were "officially" bf/gf within a couple short weeks. And another couple of weeks after that, we were living together. None of this bothered me, I wanted it. I still want it. I know I love this girl, and I know I always will, to some degree. Anyway, back to the start of this paragraph.

She said we should build a friendhsip and that at times she'd be coming to my place to hang out. I know that will never happen. I know she just said that to me, probably knowing that it was bullshit, to maybe ease my pain a little bit. And thats the pain of the thought of her not being in my life at all. I told her several times, if we break up we break up, but I'd rather us become friends, than her never even be in my life. I of course was not happy about the breakup, I'm still not happy about it. I cry. I'm a fuckin emotional guy, so I cry. Big deal. I'm Italian, we're lovers not fighters. She saw crying and me showing my emotions as a sign of weakness. I think that's bullshit. I think I'm less of a man if I can't express myself and if I can't show someone my true feelings. I showed her everything. She knew I loved her then, and I'm willing to bet she knows I still love her now. All I have EVER wanted to do was make her happy.

UPDATE: 9/26/2008 12:12PM

I just saw her outside of work walking in, from her car. She said "hey" in that precious, sweet, innocent voice of hers. God I loved it. It took SO MUCH for to not grab her and hug her right then and there. Just her saying hello to me, I loved it. I looked into her eyes, and I couldn't say anything back to her. I just couldn't. It hurts far too much to even just talk to her. It just reminds me of the angel that I've lost. I know she may have done or said some shitty things during our time together, but she will always be an angel to me.

I'm a romantic guy. So if this mushy stuff disgusts some of you, then stop reading.
I'm sure there's prob some stuffI didn't get to, or answer here, but this is pretty much the whole story, minus the sexual details.

I wrote a poem for her after we split up, which I won't ever give to her, because I know it'll mean nothing to her. But here it is...


"I can’t get you out of my head, or my heart.

I miss you every day...every day. Some days are worse than others, but today is bad
and I have too much time on my hands. You're the only thing that still makes me cry.
I see you everywhere, or at least I think I do. I see you in everything. I haven't
been able to stop the void you filled when we were together from getting bigger since
you left me. The numbness from the booze helps, but I neglect it and it's hard to get it back.
I know I need you, but I'll never again have you. Even the happy memories come with pain.
What a shame. What a great loss. We were beautiful together, weren't we.
You told me "I Love You" and I believed it. You were mine and I was yours, completely...even only for a few short months.
I'm so afraid of you because of how bad you’ve hurt me... but yet I still seek you out.
I know I am powerless against even the sight of you, still I wish for it.
I long to see you smile, to see you laugh, knowing your joy will wrench at my soul, calling to it.

I will always love you..."


Another thing people ask me a lot more than anything else is, if we broke up, and aren't friends, and no longer talk or see each other, why is she still on my IM buddy list, andwhy is she still on my MySpace buddy list (I know it's 'friends list' but I've been using AIM for years so I'm just used to the term 'buddy list'...to the one guy who felt the need to email me to say I am using the incorrect term by saying 'Myspace buddy list' LOL).
Anyway, so people are asking me why she's still on my list, and even in my "Top Friends", and even why do I still have pictures of her on my page. Well, to respond to that I'll say this,I'm on her top friends too, and the pics of us are also still on her Myspace. And I know for me, she is still on mine because I still very much love her. And the pics are still there because broken up or not, photos are memories. And for a while there, her and I honestly did have a real great time together, and loved being with each other, so why would I want to forget those good times?

As for why am I still on her page...I have no idea. I like the fact that she hasn't deleted me, but by now I expected I would be, especially with our current situation of never speaking again.

To be honest, I think the reason we both have not deleted each other from our MySpace pages is because I think there is a mutual respect and/or caring for each other. We may not be on speaking terms, but I have a slight feeling she still cares about me in some way. I mean, if I got crushed by a truck tomorrow, I think she'd come to the hospital to visit me at least once. And I feel the same way about her. If she ever needed anything at all, I'd fight on her side any day, I've always got her back if she ever needed something from me.

My love for Karya runs deep, and it's not something that I take lightly. She was good to me for a time and it went sour. These things happen, no matter how much I feel like my heart was ripped from my chest, torn up, and shit on. She knows I love her still, and she knows she is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

And if she somehow happens to be reading this, I don't think anything in here would surprise her.
I try to move on, but it is so emotionally difficult. But...to quote a few lines from the newest Metallica album:

"You rise, you fall, you're down, then you rise again.
What don't kill you, makes you more strong"


Karya....I loved you then, and I Love You now. And that will not stop.